June 17th, 2007

For some reason I often still find myself back on that beige carpet with those symmetric lines of generically branded pills. I find myself lying in bed, dreaming of my death as if it were the next thing that were going to happen. Yes, I have found happiness here in Ecuador, but it's as if even this gets pried out of my hands. The simple joy I had of being here-- why is it impossible to continue throughout the extra time I am planning to stay? Maybe I ought to return in July. One month and three days compared to another three and a half months. What the fuck am I doing anyway?

Ironically, the tiles here are beige. I have the means to do it. IT, the very thing I have failed at before. The theme of my dreams. I have a greats means of it, as well. Enough to just fall asleep and be found, lying peacefully in my bed.

With the pills and without them... my mind wants to die.

Which would be my destination? Heaven, or hell? These numbing pills do not numb my mind; only my heart and my soul. They would bring me to the truth. Are there really pearly, white gates and a pit full of everything possibly terrifying? Is that not the truth?

Family is the strength and the center of the Latino culture. My biological family has no clue of the true value of family whatsoever. I am a dreamer. I dream of my family to become that of what I experience here, but it is impossible. We are a unit of fuck-ups and successes, all with expectations and obligations to each other. I am lost to them all.

I want to fly solo. I want to soar through the clear, dark sky... below the stars, looking down at only what the moon will enlighten me to see. All that is visible to my clouded mind is decisions I have to make. Now, and when I return.

I want to keep flying. I want to soar over my next obligation, my past, and land in a new place once again.

The alcoholic drinks and unsubsideble laughter is only temporary. In the morning, I wake and my head aches. Through the drunkenness and sobriety, the only thing that comes from my mind, body and soul is dancing. It has become a passion of mine.