I couldn’t get started reading. I’ve been wanting to do this for years. I’ve probably been through the first five pages at least ten times. Maybe it really was fear of knowing the truth, or perhaps just lack of motivation. My inability to organize makes this task seem daunting and complex. All these random thoughts, coming from a girl who is experiencing culture shock, adversity, obstacles all the while emotionally numbed by a prescription medication? When I came off of klonopin, I experienced fear to a magnitude that has kept me clean of the medication for almost three years now.
Not being able to feel is dangerous, because emotion is a survival mechanism. Anxiety causes you to avoid potentially hazardous situations. Sadness allows us to accept a loss. Anger causes us to seek out new directions. Fear is your intuition telling you to be cautious. I walked into a third world country trying to volunteer, yet found myself frustrated that I could not empathize. So I decided to stick out every hard situation that came my way: multiple robberies, sexual assault, adversity, prejudice, isolation, and questions my mind could not fathom because I didn’t know how I felt about anything.
I'll admit, I am a little shocked at the depression expressed in what I wrote. I had forgotten about most of that. I am not sure where it was rooted, perhaps many things. I must reassure you that I no longer feel that way. I am including it because it's part of the story.
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